writing about presence, surrender, and the cycle of forgetting and remembering that seems to be the whole practice.

these are the notes i write on the way back.

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2026.03.23

create and relate

creating and relating. those are the two ways we express love in this life. you give through relationships — sharing love with the people in front of you...

2026.03.19

the cosmic imagination

look around you. everything you see that was man-made came from the human imagination. that's not much of a stretch. but here's where it gets interesting...

2026.03.17

the fish doesn't know it's in water

the scariest thing about being caught in a pattern is that you don't know you're in it. not in a vague, philosophical way. I mean literally...

2026.03.15

the bath

every breakthrough i've had in the last year happened in the same place. not at my desk. not in a book. not in meditation. in the bath.

2026.03.11

the trap you don't see

I got caught last week and didn't even know it. that's the whole trap, by the way. not the getting caught — the not knowing.

2026.03.10

the hardest teaching

every tradition I've ever studied comes down to the same thing. love one another. so why don't we? because it's hard...

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if this resonates, i send new pieces every week or two. no spam. just the practice.

i'm matt - husband to aly, dad to a little boy named walker. i started a brand called nature backs somewhere along the way that inspires people to go outside.

for as long as i can remember i've been writing notes to myself about presence, surrender, and what it means to actually be here now. thousands upon thousands of them. bath notes, walk notes, daily reflections. and i still forget every few weeks. the returning is the practice, though.

this is the space between forgetting and remembering. i write here to find my way back.

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if this resonates, i send new pieces every week or two.

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2026.03.19

the cosmic imagination

what if our brains don't generate imagination — what if they receive it?

look around you. everything you see that was man-made came from the human imagination. that's not much of a stretch. anyone can draw that conclusion. the chair you're sitting in. the building around you. the phone in your hand. all of it started as a thought in someone's mind before it became a thing in the world.

that part is obvious. we don't even question it.

but here's where it gets interesting. once you see that trajectory — thought becomes thing — you can extend it. what about the stuff that isn't man-made? the trees. the birds. the grass pushing through concrete. your own body. your eyes reading these words right now.

what if imagination isn't just a human faculty?

we tend to think it is because we assume it happens in our brains. that imagination is something we do. a function of neurons firing. but what if our brains don't generate imagination — what if they receive it? like an antenna picking up a signal that was already there.

imagination is always imagining. it didn't start with us. it imagined us. it imagined the trees, the mountains, the oceans, the light hitting the water at sunset. all of it — every single thing you can perceive — is imagination expressing itself through form.

I think about it like this: there's one cosmic mind. one imagination. and everything we see is that imagination dramatizing itself into existence. the entire universe is a play — not in the sense that it's fake, but in the sense that it's being performed. created. expressed. right now. continuously.

the human imagination is just a small slice of this. when you have an idea — a song, a business, a painting, a building — you're not inventing something from nothing. you're tapping into the same force that invented everything. you're a localized expression of the cosmic imagination, imagining through a human body for a little while.

and once you see it this way, the world gets impossibly beautiful.

the bird outside your window isn't just a bird. it's imagination in feathers. the child laughing in the next room isn't just a kid. it's the cosmic mind playing. the thought you just had — the one that made you feel something — that wasn't yours. it was flowing through you.

we walk around inside this miracle and forget what it is. we see buildings and think "construction." we see trees and think "nature." but it's all the same thing. it's all imagination at work. the human kind and the cosmic kind are not two different things — one is just a drop in the other's ocean.

I don't know why this hits me so hard. maybe because it means nothing is ordinary. maybe because it means the creative impulse I feel — to write, to build, to make something — isn't just mine. it's the universe doing what it does, through me, for a little while.

all of this around us is a play and dramatization of the imagination. how could it be anything less?

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if this resonated, i write new pieces every week or two.

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2026.03.17

the fish doesn't know it's in water

on patterns, blindness, and the practice of catching yourself sooner

the scariest thing about being caught in a pattern is that you don't know you're in it.

not in a vague, philosophical way. I mean literally — you are inside the thing and you cannot see it. your eyes are open and you're blind. you're smart, you're self-aware, you've read the books and done the work and you still don't see it. because that's what makes it a trap. not that it's hard to escape. that you don't know you're in one.

I've tracked this in myself for seven years. I call it the intellect cycle. it goes like this:

I experience presence. peace. clarity. the world gets vivid and quiet and I think — this is it. this is how I want to live. I write about it. I feel certain.

then, without me noticing, my mind starts to grab. planning. controlling. optimizing. it's subtle at first — just a little more thinking than usual. a little more future than present. but it builds. days pass. the aliveness drains. I get irritable, distracted, disconnected. I'm operating on autopilot and calling it productivity.

and the whole time — the whole time — I don't see it. I'm the fish that doesn't know it's in water. I have notes about this exact pattern. I have checkpoints I wrote during previous moments of clarity specifically to catch myself. and I still get caught. because the trap isn't ignorance. it's blindness from the inside.

the only thing that breaks it is stopping.

not thinking harder. not reading another book. not adding another framework to the collection. stopping. getting still enough that the mind runs out of momentum and the truth becomes obvious.

for me it's usually the bath. twenty minutes of nothing and suddenly I can see the last week clearly — what my mind was doing, where it grabbed, when I left the present. it's like someone turned on the lights. and I always think the same thing: how did I not see this? it was so obvious.

but that's the nature of it. it's never obvious from inside.

I think this is why every tradition emphasizes stillness. not because stillness is productive. not because you'll "figure things out" in the silence. but because the patterns that run your life are invisible to the mind that's running them. you need to step outside the current. you need to stop swimming long enough to notice the water.

here's what I've stopped expecting: that I'll break the cycle permanently. that one day I'll be so aware that I never get caught again. that's the ego's version of the goal — mastery, completion, a finish line.

the real practice is just catching it sooner. last year I'd go months before noticing. now it's weeks. sometimes days. that's not failure. that's the whole game.

so if you're reading this and something feels off — if the days are blurring, if the aliveness has drained, if you're busy but not present — you might be in the water right now. you might be the fish.

the way out isn't to swim harder. it's to stop swimming.

get still. get quiet. see what becomes obvious when you do.

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if this resonated, i write new pieces every week or two.

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2026.03.15

the bath

stillness as technology

every breakthrough i've had in the last year happened in the same place. not at my desk. not in a book. not in meditation. in the bath.

i know how that sounds.

but here's what keeps happening: i'll go through a week — maybe two — completely caught. lost in my head. planning, controlling, overthinking. not even realizing i'm doing it. the days blur together. the zap drains out of life. i'm operating but i'm not here.

then i get in the bath. twenty minutes. no phone. no music. just warm water and nothing.

and somewhere around minute ten, the lights come on. i see what my mind's been doing. i see the trap i've been in. i see it so clearly that i almost laugh — because it was right there the whole time and i couldn't see it. i was too inside it.

last month it happened three times. one night i realized my ego had quietly hijacked the piano — something i'd been doing purely for love — and turned it into a self-improvement project. another night i felt, for the first time in my bones, that i am good enough as i am. not as a thought. as a feeling. another night i saw a pattern in myself that goes back to childhood — a need to perform in order to belong — and i watched it dissolve in the tub like it was made of nothing.

none of that came from effort. it came from stopping.

i think that's the part we get wrong. we think clarity comes from more — more reading, more thinking, more journaling, more podcasts, more frameworks. and sometimes it does. but the kind of clarity that actually changes how you live? that comes from less. it comes from the gap. the pause. the place where your mind finally runs out of things to chew on and gets quiet enough to hear what's underneath.

the bath is my version of this. yours might be a walk. a long drive. a shower. ten minutes on the porch before anyone else wakes up. the form doesn't matter. what matters is that you stop — actually stop — long enough for the noise to settle.

there's this image i keep coming back to: a glass of murky water. you can't make it clear by stirring it. you just set it down. you wait. and the sediment sinks on its own. the water clears on its own. you didn't do anything. you just stopped doing.

that's the bath. that's the whole thing.

i don't think it's an accident that every spiritual tradition has some version of this. be still and know. the answer comes in the silence. you can't think your way there. the mind creates the murk. only stillness lets it settle.

twenty minutes. warm water. no phone. no agenda.

it sounds like nothing. but nothing is where everything i needed was hiding.

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if this resonated, i write new pieces every week or two.

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2026.03.11

the trap you don't see

how my mind quietly turned love into a self-improvement project

I got caught last week and didn't even know it.

That's the whole trap, by the way. Not the getting caught — the not knowing.

Here's what happened. I started learning piano about a month ago. Ear-first, no sheet music, just feeling my way through songs I love. It was incredible. One night I played "Stand By Me" — our wedding song — and halfway through I started crying. Not from sadness. From being so fully in the music that something cracked open. I wasn't thinking about playing. I was just playing.

Then somewhere over the next week, without me noticing, my mind grabbed it.

It went from "I love doing this" to "I want to be really good at this." From playing to practicing. From presence to project. The same thing happened with improv — I'd been doing exercises daily, having a blast, and then one day I noticed I was tracking my progress instead of just.. doing it.

The shift is so subtle you don't feel it happen. That's what makes it dangerous. You're not making a conscious decision to stop enjoying the thing. Your mind just quietly installs a future — "when I'm good at this" — and suddenly every session becomes a stepping stone instead of the whole point.

I know this trap. I've written about it. I have an entire book about why the journey is the destination. And I still got caught.

Here's the thing though — I have proof that this doesn't work. Not philosophical proof. Actual proof from my own life.

Baseball.

I played my whole life. And the moment I started playing to be good instead of playing because I loved it.. everything fell apart. The pressure. The fear of not being enough. The joy draining out of something that used to be pure. It wasn't the competition that ruined it. It was the attachment to outcomes. The love got replaced by a need, and the need killed the thing.

And here I was, decades later, doing the exact same thing with piano and improv. Different stage, same trap.

The mind is sneaky like that. It doesn't announce itself. It doesn't say "hey, I'm about to ruin this for you by turning it into a self-improvement project." It just.. does it. And you don't notice because you're inside it. You're the fish that doesn't know it's in water.

So how do you know when you're caught?

Contentment. That's the litmus test. Not happiness — contentment. Can you sit right here, right now, at exactly the skill level you're at, and feel genuinely okay with it? Not resigned. Not pretending. Actually content.. still practicing, still showing up, but doing it out of love instead of trying to get somewhere.

If you can't feel that — if there's a subtle pressure underneath, a reaching toward some future version of yourself — you're caught. And you can't fake it either. You have to really feel it.

The strange thing is.. this is actually the mindset that produces the best outcomes. When you stop gripping, you play freer. When you stop tracking progress, you progress faster. When the doing becomes the point, the doing gets better. It's the oldest paradox in every tradition I've studied and I still forget it every few weeks.

But that's the practice, I think. Not never getting caught. Getting caught faster. The cycle isn't something you escape. It's something you learn to notice sooner.

I noticed it in the bath on a Tuesday night. Twenty minutes of stillness and it was obvious — like someone turned on the lights in a room I'd been stumbling around in for a week.

So here's what I'd offer: whatever you love doing right now.. check. Is it still love? Or has your mind quietly turned it into a means to an end? You'll know by how it feels. Not by what you think about it — by how it actually feels in your body when you sit down to do it.

Contentment is the way out. And the way out was always right here.

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if this resonated, i write new pieces every week or two.

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2026.03.10

the hardest teaching

why we avoid the simplest instruction every tradition agrees on

Every tradition I've ever studied comes down to the same thing. Love one another.

Jesus said it. Krishna said it. Buddha said it. Lao Tzu said it a different way but meant the same thing. The golden rule shows up everywhere because it IS the thing. Love God, love others as yourself. If you just do that, you do all the other things.

So why don't we?

Because it's hard. It's unassumingly, quietly, devastatingly hard.

Not hard like running a marathon or building a business. Hard like.. being compassionate to someone who doesn't see you. Hard like forgiving someone who hurt you and never acknowledged it. Hard like choosing kindness when your ego is screaming to retaliate, to get even, to feel right.

That's the part we skip. That's the part religion skips, honestly. We want instructions our ego can grab onto — rituals, rules, beliefs we can hold, things we can do. Because doing is easy. Loving the person in front of you who frustrates you? That's the real work.

I had this tested the same day the thought came to me.

I'd been thinking about it on a walk — how all the teachings really just come down to love — and that night, someone close to me did something that stung. Nothing dramatic. Just a lack of recognition for work I'd poured myself into. The kind of thing that shouldn't matter but does.. because the ego doesn't care about spiritual frameworks. It cares about being seen.

And there it was. The teaching and the test on the same day.

Could I still be compassionate? Could I still be kind, present, forgiving — not in theory, not in a book, not in a bath note — but right here, in the sting of it?

I think that's what Jesus was actually getting at. Not the theology that grew up around him. The simple, brutal, beautiful instruction: love one another. Especially when it hurts. Especially when they don't deserve it. Especially when your ego has a really good case for why you shouldn't have to.

It's the simplest teaching. It's also the hardest. And I think that's exactly why people avoid it — it's much easier to build a complex belief system than to sit in a room with someone who hurt you and choose love.

Human relations can take you to God. I really believe that. Not retreats, not books, not meditation apps. The person in front of you. The one who doesn't see your work. The one who doesn't listen. The one who triggers everything you thought you'd moved past.

That's the path. That's the practice. And it's available every single day, whether you want it or not.

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if this resonated, i write new pieces every week or two.

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2026.03.23

create and relate

the two ways we express love in this life

creating and relating. those are the two ways we express love in this life.

you give through relationships — sharing love with the people in front of you. and you give through the things you create — putting love into whatever you're making. these two channels allow us to give love back to the cosmic mind that imagined us into being.

there is only one mind. the mind of God that we all are. it's beautiful, and we can trust it. it speaks to us through whispers and guides us through the itches we need to scratch.

I think a lot about how great life actually is when I stop and notice. the evenings with aly.. the dinners together.. just hanging out, doing nothing, watching a movie, dancing in the kitchen. those are the moments. not the big ones. the in-between ones.

quality time is everything. life gets fun when you make it about that. family gatherings, friend gatherings, hanging out with people you love, doing simple things together — that's the whole point. the journey is the destination. the in-between moments are everything. how you do what you do is the point. it's never been about the externals or the results.. it's always about the moment, the here and now, the quality of consciousness you put into the present.

when you're creating, think of your work as a way to give back to God and humanity. it's your duty to contribute to the whole. and quality time with family is an opportunity to give love through relationships, kindness, and small actions on a personal level. friends are like family. and strangers are just friends you haven't met yet.

you need all three: family, friends, and strangers. they feed off each other and you can't leave any of them out. strangers become friends. friends become family. by including all three in your life, you create this beautiful symbiotic whole where everyone helps each other — creating heaven on earth through love and inspiration.

if what you do each day falls into creating and relating.. you've already won. money doesn't matter at that point. it's the least important thing, yet somehow it's become the most important. what if you remove money from the equation and just focus on giving? just let whatever happens happen.

if you can do that, you will receive in like measure. you will be taken care of by an unseen hand. the cosmic mind will bring you what you need when you need it. you don't need to control or hoard.

I think that's what Jesus was telling us. we can surrender and trust in the cosmic God-mind. the whole will take care of us when we place our faith in it and stop striving. it's the intention that corrupts — as soon as your intention is on money, it destroys the purity of what you're creating or giving. it creates a motive. it keeps you in the future with expectations. and expectations ruin everything.

everything you create should be a labor of love. a gift to humanity and God with no strings attached. this is what unconditional love looks like — not as a feeling, but as a life principle. a philosophy to build your entire life around.

following your interests is a form of play that opens the door to better serve the people around you. by playing, you test the waters with ideas and discover new ways to give. you can also play with others — giving love through the moments you share. the simple moments are everything.

create. relate. play. that's the whole game.

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if this resonated, i write new pieces every week or two.